So I was reading Bill O’Reilly’s A Bold, Fresh Piece of Humanity (still, I know) and I got to Chapter 14, entitled “Mysteries of the Universe,” which is a hysterical chapter where O’Reilly discusses his frustrations towards the world of pop culture. Because we all really want to know what a conservative political commentator thinks about pop culture.
O’Reilly on Brad Pitt (DUDE. I agree with all this. 100%. I didn’t know it would take a conservative political commentator to sum up my feelings for Brad Pitt, but it did):
Let’s begin with Brad Pitt, a complete mystery of the universe to me. I am definitely not understanding “Pittmania” and the attention this man gets. Good-looking guy, sure, and he’s a pretty good actor (but if you can miss the movie Troy, by all means do so). However, Brad Pitt commands millions in salary and is in the entertainment press almost daily. Why? Yes, he’s involved with Angelina Jolie, and that union became notorious because Pitt divorced actress Jennifer Aniston (who seems like a nice woman) to make it happen. But so what? All of that occurred years ago, and despite a mediocre movie resume, Mr. Pitt is still a huge star. Again, not getting this at all.
O’Reilly on Madonna:
But, somehow along the way, Madonna has succumbed to the awful disease of pretension. The latest symptom is her phony English accent. What is that all about? Is there no one alive who can tell Madonna that, when she talks these days, she sounds like a transsexual version of Peter Sellers? Annoying? Off the chart.
O’Reilly on Mummy:
I remember loudly saying to my friends during the movie, “Why doesn’t the guy just run away?” Other moviegoers shushed me, but it was a legitimate question. All of us should have demanded refunds.
O’Reilly on Love Story:
Later, I learned that Al Gore, a student at Harvard when Love Story author Erich Segal taught there, may have been the inspiration for the lead character. And even though Al was rumored to have embraced the Love Story speculation, it is brutally unfair to him because, I believe, all the hot air spewed in that movie was the beginning of the global warming crisis. And I resent that very much.
O’Reilly on Moment to Moment:
For mental health reasons, I’ve tried to block this movie out of my mind…
O’Reilly on Dancing with the Stars:
I watched [political commentator Tucker] Carlson dancing on that program. This tape should be airlifted to Guantanamo Bay for interrogation use.
O’Reilly on Snoop Dogg:
He used to call himself “Snoop Doggy Dogg,” but dropped the Doggy. No one knows why.
FUCK MY LIFE. TIME TO STAB MY SELF IN THE FUCKING FACE. I HATE EVERYTHING AGGGGGHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUSGDJFVSADFGSHFYWEGFKYADSFHASKFHYDGADSGFHDSFA
I AM REALLY NOT HAPPY RIGHT NOW.
I PUT IN EVERY CREATIVE ENGLISH 10 H ASSIGNMENT. I AM VERY MAD RIGHT NOW.
C DUBS I NEED YOU SO BAD.
AND THEY DON’T HAVE SARAH DESSEN?
I got Dan Brown for like, three of my essays and that made me sad.
Well, CW pretty much allows you to continue to write the way you do. In that class, you probably have to take some initiative to change the way you write because it’s a class that gives you absolute freedom with your writing. Source: I took CW.
Darryl: “I’m black?” Elaine: “Aren’t you?” Waitress, leaving: “I’ll give you a couple minutes to decide.” Darryl: “What are you talking about?” Elaine: “You’re black. You said we were an interracial couple.” Darryl: “We are. Because you’re Hispanic.” Elaine: “I am?” Darryl: “Aren’t you?” Elaine: “No. Why would you think that?” Darryl: “Your name’s Benes, your hair, and you kept taking me to those Spanish restaurants.” Elaine: “That’s because I thought you were black.” Darryl: “Why would you take me to a Spanish restaurant because I’m black?” Elaine: “I don’t think we should be talking about this.” Darryl: “So, what are you?” Elaine: “I’m white.” Darryl: “So, we’re just a couple of white people?” Elaine: “I guess.”